To you:
You deserve more than I can give. You have cared for me, even though you aren't always here. And yet I make more excuses to not see you than anybody else in my life. I admire you more than anyone else, and I miss you more than you think.

And you:
I have put you through hell and back and you still haven't shipped me off to military school yet. I really owe you an apology, but I'm not that kind of person.

And you:
I hate you more than any person I have ever had the misfortune to meet. You have ruined my life and turned me into the monster that I have become. But you love my mother, and even though I believe you could treat her a hell of a lot better than you do now, you make her happy, and for that I mildly tolerate you.

And you:
I wish we were closer. I wish I could talk to you more, but you're the big-shoot senior, and I'm just a freshman. But I look at a picture of you every single day, just to make sure you're still here and haven't left me yet. I hope when we're older that we realize we have more in common than we thought, and grow closer. But until then, I'll be happy with just being a backup girl in the movie of your life. I miss you. A lot.

And you:
I claim that you are my best friend, and that is true. You understand whenever I'm having a bad day, you give me my space instead of poking your nose all up in my grill. I know that we'll be friends for freaking ever, because you and I get along that well. I'm sorry that you're in the hospital. I wish I could take away all your pain. You look so much healthier that you did before your were diagnosed. But now I'm starting to hate you, because you like the boy that I think I love. You're using your illness to get closer to him. If you two start dating, I will never forgive you.

YOU'RE SO FUCKING FULL OF SHIT I CAN'T FUCKING STAND YOU JUST LOOKING AT YOU MAKES ME WANT TO GOUGE OUT MY EYEBALLS WITH FUCKING SPOONS I AM SO DAMN TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING FUCKERY. YOU CAN JUST GO AND FUCKING ROT IN A FIERY FUCKING PIT OF FLAMES BECAUSE I JUST HATE YOU THAT MUCH AND WHENEVER YOU SAY SOMETHING I THINK I AM GOING TO FUCKING IMPLODE. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE, MY FATHER!?! YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING FATHER, YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING REPLACEMENT UNTIL HE COMES BACK. I FUCKING HATE YOU AND OIJADSGHIHOSRIOPEASJHIPOGKHBIJIJWASJUGWAOPJSGJ.


The only thing I've eaten today is a cup of applesauce(50). Let's keep that way, shall we?

Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply. Those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they have now set on fire. You can lose everything, but what is real will still remain. This is about as poetic as I can get.

I wish I was old enough to get beer or vodka or something. Because then I could make everything numb and forget it all.

La mama is calling for dinner(sorry Mom, but I'm on this diet. This diet where I don't eat anything.). Goodbye lovelies.

I often miss this little girl I knew, from a long time ago. Whose dreams had no barriers and who believed in a world where anything is possible, with a heart that was full and unbroken.
(And one day, little girl, you'll discover that you're not the prettiest little princess in the whole world... that you're not the smartest. You'll grow up and it will tear you up inside.)

Yes, it's been a long time. Hello, SUMMER. I go on vacation tomorrow, up to the cabin that my parents rent out every year. I will be bringing a shitload of books, including my food journal. I am now in the process of adding different recipes to it. Most of them are under 200 calories. How's your summer been?

Here is my summer, in short: get up, get dressed, do nothing. Watch TV. FACEBOOK. Hang out with friends. Come home. Go to bed. The story of my fucking life.

You know, day-by-day, you don't really notice the weight loss. You don't really notice anything, except the aching pit in your stomach, and all the cotton balls that your head is filled with. By then, one day, you looked in the mirror (mistake, by the way). And you're like, WHOA. My ribs are showing. I don't have to arch my back to see me spine, it's just THERE. My collarbones look like razor blades, and my cheeks remind me of the edge of a cliff. It's rather pretty, I think. It's beautiful.
And yes, my mind is wrecked with images of itty-bitty wrists and teeny-tinny kneecaps, so I'm really not one to judge. But then I step on the scale, and it tells my the truth- I'm still ugly. (Never look in the mirror. It feeds you LIES, and gets your hopes up, only to be crushed by a million boulders when the scale bitch-slaps you across the face and says, "You-hoo! Welcome to reality, stupid!" So never look in the mirror. Break it. Cover it. Just don't look in it. Ever.)

A little something I made to describe myself to lovely people(read: YOU!). It doesn't mention my ED, because I just might put this on my Facebook page. So, yeah. :/


She's young (too young, she thinks sometimes) and sometimes, she's just plain immature. But it's okay. She's slightly (incredibly) moody and enjoys writing to a great extent. She spends her hours wasting time when she should be studying, and when she could be wasting time she's doing something else. She might be slightly on the bipolar side and if you hurt her she might break but no, that's just her and she knows it and its okay and eventually she gets back on her feet. She's fine with who she is and her biggest r e g r e t is something that hasn't happened yet. She traces patterns in the dirt because she is b.o.r.e.d easily and does not like mathematics one bit. She likes to believe there is something better, bigger, more exciting in this world but then again she's slightly (very) insane and maybe just a little chaotic.

But she's also quite lovely. She wears flowy dress and skinny jeans and her camera on her wrist because that's who she is, and who she is does not care whether she's 'fashionable' right now (she'd rather be i n d i v i d u a l). Likes to think she's {creative} and has H I G H H O P E S for this world in the future.She loves
P H O T O G R A P H Y, loves A R T . Loves the idea of waking up at six in the morning to get the perfect picture. Loves it all. She quite likes semicolons;; but she doesn't know why and also these thingsanddoesanyoneactuallyknowwhatthey'recalledanyway? She likes to find old pictures and new pictures and even occasionally just-in-the-middle pictures and she loves to read, just loves to read anything. She will try and try for things. M U S I C never fails to make her(:smile.

Well, the fantastic helen melon and sunshine gave me this. If you don't think they're totally wonderful, BLAH to you(:

the rules are:

1. List your ten favourite songs on your iPod.
2. State the colour of said iPod.
3. Sass the award onto eleven fellow music loving bloggers.

Let's get this show on the road. My iPod is a baby-blue Nano. The little square kind.

1. Mountains- Buffy Clyro
2. Stolen- Dashboard Confessional
3. Run- Snow Patrol
4. Book of Days- Enya
5. Full Moon- Sonata Artica
6. Forever- Fireflight
7. Walking the Dog- Fun.
8. Misguided Ghosts- Paramore
9. Turn It Off- Paramore
10. For Blue Skies- Strays Don't Sleep

If you have any awesome songs, put 'em in the comments(:

Now, onto the bloggers. I don't know that many people, so I'm just gonna put 6 :P.

1. Sarah- Aim High. Fall Gracefully.
2. Andy- Breaking Through
3. Madz- c h a o s t h e o r y
4. Mona- she smiles with me
5. Violet- Shrinking Violet
6. Cammie- Turn It Up To 11

Some of you may not know me, because I don't comment a lot, but I read you blogs every day.

OhMyGodithinkiamgoingtokillmyself

So much food. To many calories to count. Bursting at the seams.

The Worst Day of the Year is coming up, and I sit here and ponder what my family will think of me when they come over and watch me gorge myself. I'm pretty sure they'll think I'm disgusting, I know I do. This is what happens when you have a professional trainer for a father, and nutritionist for a mother, and a beauty for a sister. Lovely.

Anyways, I've been a terrible blogger to you all. Thanks to Fede, Helen, and Andy for being so fantastic and commenting on my angsty-teenager rants. You all are truly wonderful(:
How have you all been lately?

"You full?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you look like it."

Thanks, mom.

1 cup Obnoxious People
1 1/2 cups Heat
2 cups Extremely High Shrieking that some people call laughter
A dash of Terrible Classes

Stir in Ridiculously Long Softball Practice

Pour into brain.

Makes the worst headache ever. 1 serving.
...
Story of my life.

Happiness

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

Happiness, by Urban Dictionary: A small metal hinged box with pointy edges, wrapped with barbed-wire and hidden in a dark room full of electric eels, razorblades, piles of salt crystals with fans behind them and random pools of lemon juice.

And I will go through all of that shit to get it.

What's in the box? Nobody knows, except that it may or may not be a number that is ever-changing, like a demented, shape-shifting monster. It's twisting around in my dreams, getting lower and lower until it is nothing at all. Blurring like a person's future, something that a bogus gypsy at a carnival will tell you.

What's your definition?

A Little Late, I Hope It's Okay

So, no post yesterday. I was going to, but I was like, "But it's Mommy's Day... eh."
I really do love my mother quite a bit(:

Went for a walk with E yesterday, down to my old elementary school. So many memories, of a time where there wasn't a girl that wanted to see her bones and disappear. It was a good day.

So, today was just about miserable. No breakfast, everything at lunch. So ashamed, I feel like I'm about to cry. Added unhappiness with M, little bitch.
"You treat me just like another stranger/
Well it's nice to meet you sir/
I guess I'll go/
I best be on my way out"

The new Paramore CD, Brand New Eyes, is fantastic. My current favorites are Careful, Ignorance, Playing God, Turn It Off, and Brick By Boring Brick. Fantastic(:

Going for a walk with E and C later. Have a good day(:

There Are Days When I'm Not Okay

stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating stop eating

May

23 more days, 23 more days, 23 more days.

And what I mean by all this is that there is 23 more days until the BIG DAY. The day where my entire family gathers around my kitchen table, sings the hated song that marks you become a teenager and leaving my child-self behind, and Grandma makes you a delicious fucking cake.

Yeah. My birthday.

So, I have roughly 2- 2 1/2 weeks to get skinny. Fuck. My. Life. Mis Dios, that's not a lot of time.
Voy a estar delgada! I will be thin!

Note to self: Exercise, fast- but not so much that my body goes into starvation mode, saltwater flush(ew).

... This should definitely go on FML.

Secret

There is a place that I go in my backyard. In the back-left corner, there is a crap-apple tree. It's blossoming right now, with little purple/pink flowers on it. I love it, I always go out there when my parents are fighting. It's in dire need of repair. The wooden planks in the tree need to be replaced, and the entire place is just a mess because of the winter. I'll post some pictures of it soon(:

I'm trying to fast today, but I don't think it's going to work, considering I'm /going to/dragged by my ears to/ a little Mexican place called Los Tres Amigos. It's really good, and I absolutely hate it. Shoot me, please?

Moving on, a shout out to mi papa, for taking 3rd place in his body-building competition(: He got this freaking sweet samurai sword thing as his prize.

I have some photography for you all, but my computer has been acting like a brat and won't upload them. But I'll get them up, I'll try.

Spring and Softball

Well, now that Spring is here I'm restarting my photography. There's a tree outside my American Studies and English class with all these little white blossoms on it. Note to self: remember camera. The tulips are blooming, and the daffodils. I would take some pictures right this very second, but I'm writing this, and I have softball practice in about a hour.

... What? Lauren exercises?

Yes, now shut up. The bad side of this is that it's from 7:00 to 8:30.

Really? That's awful late.

Why, yes it is. But Coach's Daughter Elaina does track, which ends at 5, and he didn't know how many other girls were doing it. Plus, hey, the girls needs a little time to rest.

Did you know you could switch your Facebook language to Pirate? It's so cool.

Thank you to Helen for her lovely comment. It totally made me day(:

Everywhere I go, I am seeing French. I don't know why. So, I will leave you in Spanish.

Adios!

Dear Kyla,

Your my cousin, and I love you. And I'm sorry that I can't follow your blog because I don't want you to find out about me. And it's hard to follow you anyways, because you're rambling(what a good word!) about how hard life is, and how we have to just work through it. And God. I don't believe in any God. Screw God, I have Ana. I miss you.

Love,
Lauren

Work

It's a difficult thing. I'm currently typing my story, Chains, for English, and I think it's giving me carpel tunnel. It's about a girl, Hannah, whose mother, Mary Easty, is an accused witch at the Salem Witch Trials. It's such a difficult piece for me, not because it was a real event, and these are real people, but because of the strong, complex emotions that I get while writing. Here's an excerpt:

"Once the cups were drained, the kitchen was clean, and the Bibles were put away, she kissed me goodnight on the cheek, sending me off to bed with a terrible feeling in my gut for having lied. Would Reverend Paris see my shame? But then, another thought came with thinking about Reverend. Would the afflicted girls accuse someone else? Would they have a fit? Their fits terrified me, that someone would want to hurt them so badly that they would scream and writher with pain. It was heartbreaking to have to sit there and watch. The most prominent accuser, Ann Putnam, was also the youngest. She was an angelic child- big blue eyes, wispy blond hair. It was quite a shame that this was happening to her.
Crawling under my bed sheets, I remember the last fit I saw her have. During the trial of Bridget Bishop, she was seemingly flung from her pew in the courthouse, crying of being pinched and pricked by Bridget’s apparition. The judges pulled up her sleeves. Bright red marks her all over her arms, and she cried out, pointing to the other girls around her and saying they were being treated the same. The judges fluttered, pulling up the other girls sleeves. Ann was speaking the truth.
The head judge, William Stoughton, ordered Rebecca Nurse’s death. I saw it with my own eyes.

But my own eyes were growing heavy, and I succumbed to the darkness that was sleep.

The sound of chirping birds awoke me, the sunlight streaming through the glass like water. I climb out of bed and my nightgown, and into a somber, black dress. It is too beautiful for a day like this. This day, this 19th of July."

Rebecca Nurse is Mary Easty's sister, which makes her Hannah's aunt.

My mom thinks it's great, but she's my mom. It's like she been programmed to say that. Tell me what you think, please.

I have to eat dinner with my family. I really don't want to. It's salmon, with other things and stuff. But I've eaten so much today.

Emily forced me into helping her serve ice cream (as Student Council does every Wednesday), which means that we got free ice cream. I said no, but Other Friend Ciara was also helping, and she puppy-dog eyed me into getting some. Why am I so gullible? Take the calories from that, a school lunch, and cereal this morning, the calorie count must be over 1,000. I'll have to fast tomorrow.

Well Now

So. There is this boy. We shall call him China Boy because he is from China and I don't know how to spell his name. But he is extremely cute and quiet(unless Annoying Kid Who Sits in From Of Him doesn't drive him insane) and he's in my Math class and I'll peek out of the corner of my eye and he'll just by sitting there, nice and quiet, and he'll catch me totally staring at him.

Issue: China Boy doesn't sit near me, and doesn't speak much English.

Lauren needs advice. ASAP, before Annoying Kid Who Sits in Front Of Him drives him insane and away from my school and me.

No Lies

The scale say 107.5. And the scale doesn't lie.

Lauren wants the scale to say 100. Then 95. Then 90. And she will be happy.

I Got Tagged!?

Why, yes, I did. In my HeHe HoHo post, I mentioned it. Thank you to dear Andy. So I must pass this award on to people who I think are truly wonderful.

1) Andy. Because I know she can do this, and she is just awesome. (: For a link to her sweet blog, see above.

2) Helen: Because her photography makes me jealous, and I love her pig.

3) Violet: Her awesome use of French, her profile picture, and her loveliness. I've followed her ever since I've been on Blogger.

4)Della: Even though she's not here, she made me smile, even when I wanted to cry.

5) Insane Jane: Although we don't see this crazy girl much, she was my very first follower on my tiny piece on the World Wide Web.

HeHe HoHo

First of all: ANDY is lovely and fan-freaking-tastic for giving me an award. Thanks dear, it means a lot. I'll try not to disappear more. (:

Now, onto business. All I've eaten is some pineapple and a glass of milk. Roughly about 200 calories. I'm going on the ABC(again) and hoping it works. Yesterday was a qualified disaster. Let's not go there. I want to be be Goal Weight 1(100) by then end of April. And maybe be 95 by my birthday, which is in May. Cross your fingers!!

Welcome Back. Not Home, Just Back

It's not like I wanted to. I just had to. But now, my shit is really fucked up. Emily knows. I guess it's slightly alright, because she had went into this too. But her parents caught it in time.
I've dug up all my pro-ana papers. And have been poring over them with a sick obsession to be so-called "perfect".

It's not the good kind of welcome back. Not home. But back.

This is seriously fucking it. I can't fucking stand my life, myself, my friends, and my stupid, son-of-a-bitch step father.

I leaving.

Really. I don't think I will ever come back to this blog again. I am going to reset my entire fucking life. Quit this bat-shit insane idea that I will ever be fucking pretty, or thin, or anything for that matter, besides ugly and stupid and -according to my step father- a disappointment. Goodbye.

Leave

Just for a short while. Maybe a week. But life at home/school just isn't really up to par, and I want to fix things. Who knows, maybe things might just righten out by themselves.
Aside from that, I'm going to see Remember Me with Emily and Ciara. I hope I don't go fucking crazy.

Whatever

I give up:

being fat.
getting along with my parents.
freaking giving a shit about my grades.
really caring about my life in general.
bitching to my friends about my real dad because I finally fucking realize that he's just not there anymore.
keeping my life in perfect fucking order.
keeping up my happy-go-fucking-lucky façade to please people.
giving a damn about anyone, or anything.

Bad Me

Yes, I'm such a bad blogger. Haven't posted those damn photos. GR. So, I'm going to post them over the weekend.

So, I'm really bored right now. I'm trying to do a little bit of research on myself, like when I eat and what triggers me to eat. I don't really think it's working, because I just like to eat and get fat. Merow. (Angry cat noise)

This is a random question, but how many people like murder shows? Like, Criminal Minds, CSI, Cold Case, and Cold Case Files? Frankly, I like all of them(:

Hello There, The Angel From My Nightmare

So, I'm back! I'm alive! I'm... fatter. I'm also slightly annoyed with the people I went with, who left me in the hot tub to go on my favorite ride 2 times.

All in all, it was really fun. I have so many pictures for you guys, I'll upload them later. I did not find 1 single person with the same suit I had, last year there were like, 94876. I went down the body slide nobody else did, put to many sprinkles on my cookie, and hugged a smelly, giant elephant. I did NOT clear out the sweetshop (though I wanted too), I PWNED in the Duckie Races (yes, they had one), and stalked people in the water park with the T.V. in our room. I... was somewhat normal. I enjoyed it.

For The People That Inspire Me

Dear Della,
I'm gonna miss you loads. Like, A FREAKING LOT. I'm totally heartbroken that you're leaving. I'm going to miss your sarcasm and those little tidbits that made me laugh my ass off. Good luck Della, we're all going to miss you.
Love,
Lauren

Dear Andy,
You are brave, fierce, courageous, determined, encouraging, fearless, lovely, upbeat, wise, witty, wonderful. And you can do this.
Love,
Lauren

Cupcakes

So, seeing as I didn't have a Valentine, I called my Grandma. Yep. My granny. She asked if I had a boyfriend/Valentine, and I'm like, "Nooopeee." So she's all like, "Ima be over in a few."

Not a few minutes, a few hours.

I was feeling kind of upset, until she finally came over. Then I realized she was late because she made me cupcakes. Vanilla, with cherry frosting and those little candy hearts with the sayings on top. I don't think I have ever loved her more. So me, my aunt, my grandma,, and my mom, and we just watched the MSU woman's game, and talked about random stuff. It was pretty fun.

Later on, we went to McDonald's. Kind of weird, but it's tradition. It's where my step dad proposed to my mom. We're not fancy like that. ;)
So we talked and ate fatty things, and talked s'more. It was... different.

7 Days

7 days. 7 days. 7 days until I pack my bag and myself into a small gold van with 3 other teenagers and a mom of 2 of them on the road to Ohio. 7 days until Kalahari.

7 days until disaster.

I've been keeping myself below 900 for a week. This will ruin it. Kalahari is the largest in-door waterpark in America (I think). It has a arcade, 5 different stores, and a killer sweet shop (literally). Plus the little fast-food areas in said waterpark itself, I'm certain that this trip will bring many meltdowns in the week to come. Not to mention that we stop and a pizza place, and Wendy's on the way there. Nervous as hell, but this is tradition. I can't back out, I've been going with them every year for 3 years. Totally freaking out.

It's All Good

Thanks to Della for the lovely comments. (:
I am... slightly confused, a little tired, and very excited.
We had a superfreakingawesomeMASSIVE snowstorm yesterday. Snow day today. Which explains why I am excited.
Boy, (not Crush, Boy), keeps talking to me in Spanish class. And.. I think he is stealing my feelings for Crush. So yeah, Lauren is confused.
Annnddd... Lauren did not sleep a lot, so I'm tired.
Our water heater is broken. I don't like cold showers.

On a different note, I have decided it's time for a good, old-fashioned FAST. Except Ima tweak it a little bit. After 6 p.m., I can eat. BUUTT, under 900 calories. Hoping this won't let my binge.

I'm Not Okay

With a wrist full of "cat scratches"
And a bottle full of pills
She wonders

With a bottle full of vodka
And a head full lies
She wonders

She wonders what's wrong with her.
Why's she's like this.

She's not okay.
She is most certainly not okay.

Swim Suit

I'm liking it. ;)

Um, yeah

So, ice skating? It's soo not my thing. It's cold, wet, and hard to do with a large group of people. It was me, Ciara, and Anna. Until Ciara invited her friends Kenzie and Jacob , aka, Teddison. That's what Ciara calls him, anyway. She totally likes him, and vice versa, they were all over each other. I think. They really didn't talk with anyone else.
Ciara is changing. She seems more cold and snobbish than when I first met her, and I don't like it. I guess... she just acts different around her new friends than she does when it's her, Emily, Anna and me. It hurts.

Moving on, I'm going to Kalahari in a week. It's the largest water park in somewhere, and it's totally awesome. The bathing suit I'm wearing is totally tight, and if I suck in my stomach good enough, my middle looks pretty hot. ;)
I'll post some pictures of it later in the day.

Mother, Mom, Mommy

I'm not quite as sane as some might think, and I guess it's starting to show. The mother was watching me during our happy mother-daughter bonding time- watching Criminal Minds, the best show on the planet. We really have nothing else in common except our looks and passion for books. I never really know what to think about her, and vice versa. I'm 99.9% sure that I didn't turn out the way she wanted too. You could say that I'm holding out for that .1%, but I don't think it's gonna come. My mother and I never really get along, and for some strange reason this bothers me. Maybe it's because of the fact that all of my friends mothers actually have lives besides working out and reading nutrition books.

Kudos to Della for that lovely comment, it made me smile. (:

Feelings

I feel quite..... emo today. Maybe it's due to the fact the my crush dubbed me as "that blond girl in the corner"? Or maybe that I'm dressed in all black. Either way, Lauren is having some morbid thoughts today, folks.
I'm kindamaybesortadefinitely freaking out about that fucking cheese burger that was shoved down my throat by these hands, which caused tears to come up in these eyes, whom would not let these tears free. But I did stay under 500, so I'm not totally gonna freak out.

I got my expander today, and it really hurts. But on the plus side, it makes it super hard to eat. but it's still a pain in the ass. It feels like my mouth is splitting apart.

Up, Up, Up and Away

Step dad is a freak. A weird, bald, greasy freak. He's embarrassing.
And to be frank with myself, I freaking HATE him, more than I have every hated anyone in my entire life.
He thinks he can tell me what do to just because he has a piece of paper and a band of metal around his fat finger that states him and my mother are married.
But do I retaliate? No. Will I post true facts about him on my secret blog? Yes. But he doesn't know about my blog. Moving on, will I say it to his face, all these things that I will write about him? I don't think he'll ever know.

This evil man is the reason for the God-awful mistake I made today.

A BINGE.

I am a fat cow, eating everything in sight, the ice cream, the milk, the Oreos, the pasta, the PEANUT BUTTER.
Stating Friday: under 500 calories. If not, I will proceed to rip my heart out and eat it.

Gross.

Moving on, it's been snowing. I'm dying to go outside and take some pictures, but Almighty Mother says no. In the morning, with fresh snow glittering in the streetlight, it looks like someone put Edward Cullen over a cheese grater set to VERY FINE, because it looks like little shards of diamond on the sidewalk. I keep forgetting to bring my camera with me. Err.

La La Land

It's freezing. My house is that of an icebox. So I sit in front of the fire, watching my skin crackle and brown...
Enough of my morbidity. I'm losing real weight, not water weight anymore. There is now way in freaking Hell I'm going to make it two weeks with this fast, I feel like I'm going to faint.
But that means I'm almost there, I guess.
Quicke. :D

Today

I'm going strong today. I haven't eaten at lunch, and missed the Cha Cha Cheeseburger.
I hid in the bathroom with my Ana food journal, listening to my iPod. I've always loved the spelling of that.
Moving on to books, has anyone ever read Nightlight? It's a parody of Twilight, and it's quite hilarious. I was laughing all through American Studies and English.
And now to video games. I don't really play any except Animal Crossing. ^-^ I find it a lot of fun.
Tata for now, lovelies.

Fasting and Emily

So I start my starvation fast with Nina tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, because this is the longest one that I've ever done, it's a week. Maybe even two.
I don't really know how to avoid eating lunch with my friends, especially Emily.
Speaking of Emily... I was at her house the other day, and we were on her laptop. When she was in the bathroom, I looked at her bookmarks, and she had the PrettyThin homepage as one of her bookmarks. Hmm? I asked her about it, and she's like, "Oh yeah, I love that place, don't you?" And then I saw another one: Someplace called The Anorexic Beauty. I looked for it, but haven't been able to find it. Ergh.

Sit, Lauren. Speak, Lauren. Good Girl, here's some water

So, my step dad is talking to me again, and that makes me happy. :D
Family re-united- Check
Burn away this fat- Work in progress.
Eh.
I must give a heaping THANK YOU to Malorie and Insane Jayne, both of whom left me lovely comments on my little blog. :D
And, a FOLLOWER. Again, mucho thanks to Insane Jayne.

http://proana-life.blogspot.com/ - Jayne's blog
http://ewohmyweight.blogspot.com/ -Malorie's blog
Visit them, they are both lovely people.

I stayed under 2oo calories yesterday, so that's good.
This is a random one, sorry. :D

Happy Day

Today... I feel HAAPPYYY! And I don't know why. But all I've eaten today is 2 prunes(28.5) and lots a tea,(0), which is quite yummy. And since my step dad won't be back from his little health convention for a while, it'll just be me and my lovely mother. I'll be posting tomorrow, which made me realize that I didn't post ANY pictures last week.

I was up 2 pounds yesterday, 107, but now I'm back down to 105. I'm hoping that this starvation fast that I'm doing with Nina will bring my down to 100, which is my first goal. Hoping. Or, on the darker side, I could totally fine, like the useless, fat pig I am.

I looked in the mirror today, and more of my ribs are starting to show. Maybe, by the end of this month, they'll show completely? Hope so.

The New Starvation

After a OK Rainbow Diet, Nina and I are going into a starvation fast. 1 week, cold water and Diet Coke. Maybe if we're on a roll... prolong it into 2 weeks?

Today, I am sad. My red Pro-Ana hairband to breaking, and I'll have to find a new one. Wah.

Quickie

After trying so fucking hard, I didn't make the 8th grade volleyball team. But the girl who has never played before DID. I'm so fucking pissed.
I didn't get my homework done the exact second that I got home, so around 7 I got into a fight with my step dad. My mom decided to drag herself into it, which caused him to swear at her (something one should NEVER do), and she marched down the stares after him and 'struck' him. She swore right back at him, and I could hear them fighting all the way in the dining room from the basement. That's not good. He started shouting out all the things that were wrong with this marriage and blahblahblah, and she just HAD to mention my step sister Ashley. This got him all pissed and who-really-gives-a-damn, and it started all over again.

Later: So school is a fail, and I got a lot of homework. My stepdad isn't talking to me, and it kinda hurts. But if he thinks I'm going to make the first move, he can think the hell again.

Today

Today I'm doing the Rainbow Diet with my e-mail friend Nina, props to her for getting me motivated :D. I'm doing well so far, I'm at a solid 105.3 right now, 4 ounces down then where I was last night. I'm supposed to be doing my essay for English. The story I'm writing is about a girl with a father who abuses her mother. In a way, it reminds me of my own family. My dad rules pretty much every detail of our lives, from what we eat to what we wear. And what we say. This is just a quick one, see you all later.

Soild

All this week, I've been hovering around 105.6-8. This is good, it's the lowest I've been since freaking Christmas. I'm about ready to go out to the outlet mall with my mom and dad, and this makes me nervous. They are bound to get hungry, and they are bound to make me eat something. I'm at 570 calories today, after two pieces of peanut butter-honey toast. I really don't want to have to make up lies for them, and I don't want to be force-fed like Wednesday.

Force-Fed Misery

Fine. I was doing just fine until lunch. Then the triangle Emily-Katie-Morgan dragged me to the lunchroom and walked with me into the line, watched me buy my lunch, and almost had to force feed me. I felt awful later.

In the morning, all I had was green tea. Nothing more. The hunger pains I had during math were nothing compared to the future of seeing bones through my skin. And when I stepped on the scale after school, I saw nothing but fluctuating numbers in the 100s. I swear to God, if the numbers don't go down, I'm going to buy a fucking knife and cut everything off.

Pictures

To be honest, I don't feel bad about not putting these up on time.



Thighs... >.<





If you look close, you can see a little bit of ribs!!

Saltwater Flush

Since I realized that I'm going to Annaboo's house tonight, I thought a saltwater flush would be better than a fast. Wrong. This is the worst Saturday EVER. I feel like I'm going to vomit, and I'm nowhere near the porcelain house. And the smell from Ashley's food is driving me insane. I don't know what it is, but oh my freaking god, it smells fantastic.

Ana's Arms

I was alone and confused. I didn't know where to go. Cold and afraid, I wandered into a place I'd never dare to go before. I jumped in and landed in Ana's arms.

Ana was good to me. She gave me a comfort and happiness I'd never felt before. She embraced me tightly - as tight as she could. So tightly, I shrank. I saw numbers dropping down, it made that empty shell feel filled once again.

I fell in love with Ana. She became my obsession - my life. During the day, all I could think about was Ana. During the night all I could dream about was Ana. Everything I listened to and everything I saw. It all surrounded my love, Ana.

To my happiness, Ana accepted my love and loved me back. She made sure she was with me. She stood there, smiling at my achievements - egging me on to them. She was my main advocate. The one I could turn to. With her, I sank deeper and deeper, became more and more obsessed. Hm, I never knew how crafty I could be...

I don't need help. What are you talking about? I'm not too thin! I'm perfectly fine - the happiest I've ever been. I know why you're so "worried" about my "health." It's because you're jealous. You want to be like me, but you don't have the same willpower and restraint as me.

In Ana's arms I feel comfortable. That's where my home is. Under Ana's spell. The desire. The love. The control. It's all thanks to that day I stumbled into her midst.

And you know what?

I love it.

-SickleSnape, quizilla user.

Ana Poem

She sat on the floor,
Her back to the door,
Her head in her hands,
She's Ana's number one fan.
She looked up to see her reflection,
Gazing at all her imperfections,
Tears ran down her face,
She felt like a disgrace.
She looked back to remember,
That first week in september,
When Ana whispered in her ear,
All the words she needed to hear.
Month by month she lost weight,
And she hardly ever ate,
She looked in the mirror to see that,
She was so heavy and utterly fat.
She hated herself and hated her life,
Felt as though nothing were right,
She kept starving herself,
Killing herself.
She just kept losing weight,
Feeling that fatness was her fate,
Ana was her big supporter,
Her body was bones, so contorted.
Her mom finally noticed but it was too late,
The girl had finally beat her fate,
She was beautiful and so very thin,
She let go of what had once been.
She lay on her bed, skin like ice,
Ana had finally claimed her price,
The girl had a brilliant smile on her face,
And with her last breath her fingers en-laced,
She said,
"Ana please hold me,
Hold me closely.
I'm done being alone,
Ana take me home."

-aDrOpOfSuNsHiNe, quizilla user.

This isn't my account. All credit goes to the author.

Good, And Old-Fashioned

Today, it's time for a fast. I'm alone today, which would normally mean BINGEBINGEBINGE, but Mia hasn't given me to key to the porcelain house to get rid of it all. And besides, I'm getting comfy with Ana now, do I really want to throw that all away?

So much for skipping dinner, my mom told me that today, we have having a sit-down, family dinner, yessir-y. NOOO!. Is she TRYING to ruin my life by fattening me up? I'm no pig getting ready for the market, but I feel like one.

And this has to be my favorite pro-ana blog yet: http://acceptingana.blogspot.com/. Go to it!

Teen Vouge

I just sent in my subscription for Teen Vogue. I don't really give a damn about the fashion, I'm in it for the models, baby. Have any of you seen the inside cover of the December/January issue? So beautiful. Creamy skin, high cheekbones, fucking FLAWLESS fave overall. 3590296/10. In 2 days I post some pictures, will ANYBODY freaking comment?

On the plus side of all of this, I've managed to skip dinner for 2 days in a row. WooT! I should be a butterfly on a sunny day for all my hard work for avoiding my parents, but I'm wayy to fat to be there yet. I give some props to my pro-ana e-mail buddy Emma for keeping me going.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next Teen Vogue. What will it have in store for me next?

This Sickness

For the past day, I haven't been feeling quite as well. I don't know what's caused it, stuff is going around. People say that it's the winter flu, but I never count January as "winter". I always think of it as very early spring.

I'm afraid to step on the scale. For three days it's been hurling insults at me from my bathroom at the top of the stairs. Suggestions? There is this book that I just can't put down. It's not a ana book, but it's great. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles. Isn't Simone a great name? If I ever have a kid (which I probably won't), I'm going to name it Simone.

"Vegan"

So as of New Years, I am a VEGAN! This will make it mucho easier for me to eat anywhere, home, school, family. I'm in this with Emily. Did you know that people will actually KEEP YOU FROM EATING if it's a socially good reason? It makes me wonder what people think of the pro-ana movement. Whatever, they can just fuck off.

Pictures

Results! Sorry if they hurt your eyes, I've been blessed with being fat AND ugly.





Don't look at my face. >.<




Thunder thighs!!




Look at that GUT! It's HUGE!!

Results

As of Monday, I am going vegan. I'm sure that my parents will ask questions, but I have answers for them. I'm really nervous about it, but Ana will watch over me.

Tomorrow I'm posting pictures. I'm really sorry if I burn out anyone's eyes. I think I can edit the Rainbow Diet so that it fits my vegan agenda. I hope this works!